Valentine's Day

Alone but not lonely these words have two distinct meanings. It took me a while to be able to distinguish between these two words. Valentine’s day is today and depending on your current relationship status you’re either excited, dreading it or you might not care either way. I know that for many single females the days leading up to V-day tend to remind them that they won’t be celebrating with a partner. 

Recently females have begun to celebrate galantines day (on the day before Valentine’s day) which celebrates friendship between females- which in no means am I discouraging. I currently am not celebrating either holiday, and that’s alright. I recently had a surgery to remove a large kidney stone, and I have class work to catch up on. However I’d be lying if I said that a part of me doesn’t get slightly envious when I see the cute pictures from the galantine’s event posted on Instagram, but this feeling only stays for a few seconds.

In the past few months I’ve undergone many changes, and one of those changes is being able to be truly happy for others (specifically women) when they succeed. I’ve also been in contact with more women online- it can be as simple as showing some love on a selfie they posted or congratulating them on their new job. You’d be surprised how meaningful a quick chat in the Instagram DM’s can go. In making these small changes it has not only brought me happiness, but a support system.

Remember my kidney stone I mentioned earlier? Well I had to go to a month of classes at my University in terrible pain until I had my surgery. However I chose to “let down my guard” and make a genuine effort to become friends with a girl who I had class with. She checked in with me every few days and ask how I was doing. I also had people check up on me through social media. While I may not have “girlfriends” that I hang out with regularly I know that I have people who care about me, but I didn’t always have this mindset.

            I’m going to be honest. I used to think that most women were out to get me. Yes, I know that is ridiculous- can you imagine having all the women in the world against you? Yes, I’m trying to be funny here. I joined a sorority during my sophomore year and ended my membership after junior year. My sorority was a rather large one, and I didn’t find my place. I did however get to live in the house, which is a rather unique experience.

            I remember when I ended my membership. Despite my desire to leave I felt the sting of rejection. Why? I had seen the friendships between members and in their “families”. I don’t place blame on anyone for me not finding my niche. When I look back at my time in my sorority, I see how many sweet women I have the pleasure of knowing- even if it isn’t on a deep level. I remember the creed that I said in unison with my chapter, not only do I remember it, but I try to live by it as well as the values our members built our sorority on. I remember our rituals and why we did them. I’ve made peace with my sorority experience, and while it might be different than the typical experience, I wouldn’t change it. I suppose in a way being a member taught me how when women come together and support one and other amazing things will happen.

            I’m going to be honest- when I sat down to write this post, I never imagined that I’d end up writing about my sorority experience (well an abridged version). I’m glad that I shared this because I know that I’m not the only woman who can relate to this. Since I’m reflecting on my time in college (I say that like I’m graduating in May which SHOCKER I’m not) I’ll share how my ex and I celebrated Valentine’s Day at his fraternity Valentine’s day cocktail.

            My ex’s fraternity held a Valentine’s Day cocktail every year. A cocktail means that it’s strictly brothers and their date, it was a chance to actually socialize instead of drinking beverages out of red solo cups and dancing on the elevated stage (complete with a dancing pole). I mean beverages were still enjoyed, but dancing to loud house music- not so much. At events like this I got a chance to talk to the dates/girlfriends of the brothers. I guess a part of me being friendlier with females began at this time, and the girls I met were so sweet- goodness do I get off topic.

            His fraternity was known for being rowdy and going all out for parties. I loved spending time at the house probably a little too much; I commandeered their kitchen upon my arrival. I would put things like my jacket and water bottle hidden in the cabinets (that stayed empty), I also would hang out there when I wanted a break from the party. Before I begin talking about the valentine’s day cocktail, there is something that needs to be said. It was somewhat of an unspoken rule that you don’t get trashy early. The cocktail would start around 8 PM and then people would make their way downtown.

            The first Valentines Cocktail I had no idea what to expect, although my ex did tell me to not drink too much too early. It was my second time going to the house and we had only been dating for a few months. I just looked back at the picture we took that night, and wow. I put on my makeup (which I had no idea what I was doing at the time) and flat ironed my hair. Long story short I ended up consuming too many beverages in my defense I didn’t have much experience with alcohol before coming to college. I don’t know how he got us back to my dorm, but he did. When I got to my room, I ended up vomiting my guts out into my trashcan. I lived in a little community of people that had my same major. Apparently, they figured out what was going on, and brought me a water bottle and helped get me to the bathroom where I continued to vomit. I’d like to take a second and thank all of those girls for never mentioning or bring up this event. My ex was so scared that he almost called the ambulance, which would have been ridiculous- it was just a case of a freshman girl not knowing her limits. What happened to the trashcan I threw up in? I put it in the trash room instead of clean it out like a decent human being.

            Thankfully the second cocktail went better, at least to my knowledge (I mean come on people that was February of 2017). I not only looked better but felt more confident from the time I had spent at the house. I wore a red form fitting red dress that had a cut out in the front that laced up paired with my favorite pair of wedges (well my only pair- side note they’re still the only wedges I own). One thing that I either don’t remember from the first cocktail is the song- well it’s really a chant that the brothers do when they have a date function. At some point during the night all the brothers get their dates to stand on the staircase that overlooks the front entrance. The brothers gather together and begin the chant and let me tell you it’s hype. What’s even better than their performance is the reaction from girls when they’re asked to stand on the staircase only to then hear about 30 plus men yell out their chant at the top of their lungs.

            I want to leave you with something to think about. If you’re spending this Valentine’s Day alone remember that I’m there with you- KIDDING. In all honesty you won’t be the only person without plans involving a significant other. That doesn’t mean that you can’t make it special in your own way. Take time to pamper yourself, watch that movie on Netflix or Hulu you’ve been wanting to see, have a nice bath, read a book I don’t know what you enjoy! I just want you to promise me that you won’t spend the night refreshing your feed constantly looking at what others are doing. The only thing this will accomplish is a major case of the blues it doesn’t matter if you’re in a relationship or not self-love is the most important love. Please take my word for it sure having someone care about you in a romantic way is nice, but it’s not necessary for living.

            When I look back at my longest relationship, I realize why it didn’t work out. It wasn’t that we didn’t care for each other, because we did, and we still do. I however had personal issues that I needed to address. I would like to also thank him for helping me discover parts of me that I’m still not completely comfortable with. I also realized that I changed parts of me to better fit him as well as his family. In one of my classes the instructor had the class write a list of characteristics we wanted in a partner she then had us sort what we had written into two categories: negotiable and non-negotiable- side note this happened post break up. I suggest that you do the same thing. I’m not saying that you’ll find someone who fits the list exactly, but when you meet someone who checks off most of the things you want then the other things might not seem as important.

            Are you still reading? Good because I’m not quite done sharing. I want to leave you with this wisdom. When any long-term relationship ends a piece of your heart will never quite be the same; allow me to explain. I’m not saying that you’ll never get over your ex, or that you’ll never be able to fully love like that ever again because that’s a lie. However it will take time to adjust to the change and “move on” with life, and of course it all varies depending on how and why the relationship ends. I feel that this was especially true in my case being that we essentially learned how to adult together.

I’m going to tell you how I ended our relationship of a little over two years. The summer after sophomore year I was a residential camp counselor for the summer that was on the other side of the state. I worked long hours and he had his own summer job and usually when I got off work, he wanted to relax after his day working. I thought about what I truly wanted, and at the time I wanted freedom. One phone call later and it was over. Do I regret the way I did this? HELL YES! Do I think I ultimately made the best decision for myself long-term? Yes.

            I finished the rest of the summer working at the camp. When I returned to college that’s when the reality set in. The reality that things would be drastically different than they had before. He asked me to see if we could work it out, but I told him that I didn’t know if there would be the change that I needed, and then later on I regretted this and begged him for one last shot to which he said no. We saw each other throughout our junior year which ultimately did no good for either of us. It took me a long time to accept the fact that we would not get back together.

            So if you find yourself with no Valentines plans tomorrow remember that: a) you aren’t the only one and b) loving yourself is the best thing that you can do. I hope that you’ve gained something from me pouring my heart out. Oh and if you find yourself really down in the dump’s tomorrow night remember that I’ll be in a night class until 8 PM. I hope that this finds you well. I would also like to thank my ex for letting me share this

Grace

Written on 2-13-19