Too Much

I often think that I am "too much" - I have a loud mouth, my emotions run high and most of all I am quick in wit and action. I often feel like my existence "too much" and that so many people's lives would be much easier and happier if I wasn't in their life. I know that this is a lie that Satan put in my head, but I  have moments where I stumble.

In times like these I come back to two scriptures: "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 NIV and "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful I know that full well." Psalm 139:14. By the grace of God not only am I made wonderfully, but He had a plan for my life.

From the moment I was born I was destined to be a hard child. At four months I had gallstones in my gallbladder- something that is highly uncommon. Because of this, I was a medically fragile child who had many procedures, surgeries (and yes there is a difference between the two), testing, ultrasounds, and bloodwork. I was in no means an easy child. Thankfully I had a surgery in Chicago by a highly respected specialist who ended up being able to perform surgery- and since then I have not had to have a major GI surgery.

My personality is also something that can cause me to be misperceived. You know how I said that I was loud and have high emotions? Well, I also was diagnosed with ADHD at a young age. As time goes on and the more I look into ADHD the more I see why I am the way I am. I see why I hate wearing certain types of clothing or why sometimes it is impossible for me to get in the shower.
I have mental illnesses (depression and anxiety) and it does make my life and the lives of those who surround themselves with me harder.  I feel like a burden, and it weighs heavily on my heart. For example, if I don't get a response to a text within a few minutes I can get worried. 

As for my depression In my younger years, I spent my time cut off from the world and others. I was my only friend, that and my Tumblr where I wrote nightly about how much I hated myself.  The longer I went on like this the deeper I went into the black pit that was my depression. I became suicidal- something that only my mother found out by reading my text messages. Her reaction was one filled with anger rather than compassion. I began to repress my emotions. 

During this time in my life, we had just uprooted our whole life just after starting the school year (me being in my freshman year of high school). We left the place we had called home since our birth. None of this was easy for my family. I fell out of touch with the little friends I had at my high school. In many ways, my life was slowly falling apart- at least this is what 15-year-old Grace interpreted it as. I will share more of this story when I feel appropriate.

I hope to share more of my story in this upcoming year, I do not want to apologize anymore for simply being me. I should not have to apologize for my mental health or personality. Here's to 2019 living my true self.

If you feel like you are too much I want you to do something. I want you to do this:
1. breathe in and out (do a cycle of 3 or until you feel calmer)
2. I repeat out loud "I am enough I am enough"
3. Know that you aren't the only one who's felt this way 

Grace Bibus 12/31/18